As I thought about what to write to you today, the Lord brought two different matters to mind.
One may seem to apply more to sisters and the other to brothers but in pondering much on them, it will be obvious that both are applicable to males and females.
Courtship holds vulnerabilities. These vulnerabilities are sometimes overwhelming. Scriptures having told us that marriage is honourable in all and the bed undefiled, we know how important sexual purity is important for believers.
There were days during my courtship with my wife when I was vulnerable. At times, terribly so. But there was a way Temi conducted herself that made it impossible for the enemy to get an advantage over us. In my visits to her place, not for once did she sit carelessly or dress so casually that she provoked unbridled passion in me. Sincerely, I paid attention to this or rather it dawned on me after a while that she really conducted herself with such care and decorum. She wasn’t exposing her cleavage, neither was she ever without the proper clothing.
I didn’t have to battle with seeing her on a bra-less top neither was I having to see her thighs. I tell you, beloved, it helped me! It did. See, if there was ever a man that passionately loved his babe, I am that man. Words can’t describe my love for Temi since day 1. It’s a flame of fire in my heart till date. So, imagine if she had made circumstances more convenient for the occasional vulnerabilities I, as a man, had during courtship?
This leads me to write to you, dear sister. You can be the reason why your marriage bed will be undefiled. You can be the reason why your fiancee stands strong. You can so help him in this manner. And you can help as many brothers that come visiting you this way.
Till today, I owe Temi gratitude and I keep telling her thank you from time to time for her help in those days.
The second matter relates to how brothers conduct themselves after they are married. But truth be told, this is learned even before marriage.
There was a time when a young lady was going through a deep trough of depression. She was almost entertaining suicidal thoughts. I had to reach out and spend time on the phone with her again and again. I just had to help her pull through that difficult period. My wife knew her from the very start and so there wasn’t anything hidden about the entire relationship with her.
However, one day, while speaking to her, my tone of voice assumed a deeper dimension than I knew was okay. However, there was no single untoward thought in my heart towards the young lady. I had simply taken her as a dear, young sister whom the Father sent my way for her healing.
So, I recognised that tone and I knew it was deeper than usual. After the call, my wife asked to speak with me. And then she said, she wouldn’t want me to use such tones with anyone. I got the message instantly. I told her why I had done so and I apologised while assuring her that there was nothing untoward in my heart. I am glad because I got that reminder as it has helped me be very firm about boundaries while talking with the opposite sex.
You see, years before that, something similar happened. A young lady who I was discipling had suddenly developed an infatuation for me. I could see the adoration in her eyes whenever she spoke with me. I knew I had to nip that thought in the bud else it could flare into something uncontrollable on her part. And I could be snared too.
So, one day, I turned the conversation to maritals. I asked her what the Lord had said about her maritals. While she was still trying to explain, I interrupted and said, “For instance, in my case, when the Lord told me about who I would marry, He was very particular…” and then I added unmistakable details that helped her know she didn’t even feature at all in that picture. That was the last time I saw those eyes glazed over with adoration. Oh, I forgot to tell you, I had to also pray and ask God to help her be rid of the untoward affection.
So, brothers, be watchful. Some untoward relationships start when you are unguarded. There are some terms I could use with some sisters that I never use with others. The governance of the Holy Spirit is paramount even in how we speak and relate with members of the opposite sex. Guard your hearts. Sisters, you also need to learn to pray to God to root out any strange desires a brother may be communicating with you. Don’t be so desperate for love that you egg them on too.
The assurance of purity amongst us brothers and sisters revolves around our individual commitment to exercise ourselves daily to have a conscience void of offense toward God and toward man.
With much love,
Message from Uncle JD: The Father has graciously released me to make available to His people a book on marriage titled Vision-Driven Marriage as well as a 6-part series on marriage (mp3). Included also is a message on Hearing God.